The Stinky News
The original flag of the Minnesota Garlic Festival.
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The Current Edition and some previous ones.
THE STINKY NEWS
all about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
which is THIS SATURDAY, AUGUST 9th [Footnote 1]
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Top Ten Things to Do at Garlic Fest SATURDAY, AUGUST 9th
#1) Get Great Garlic
Did you know that, if stored properly[2], and if well-cured by the grower – which all the festival growersdo – garlic can be stored for months in your kitchen?
Plus you can get seed garlic for your garden, to be planted this fall, from growers whose bulbs are already acclimated to our conditions. And you can choose from over 50 varieties.
Stock up at the festival on Saturday August 9th!
#2) Feast on Fabulous Food
Our food purveyors have an incredible array of comestibles for you to devour on festival day, which is the 9th of August. Everything from pasties to popcorn, camel meat to collard greens, sammies to soft serve, vada pav to philly cheese, mandu, bhelpuri, pani puri, pulled pork, and spatchcock rabbit. And for the less adventurous, plenty of mac-&-cheese, BBQ, and even some ice cream that doesn't include garlic.
Beverages abound: Crow River Winery provides the adult libations; while Heirloom Foods supplies coffee, natural sodas and kombucha; rounded out by garlic smoothies with ginger, lemonade or strawberry, and more coffee from The Jitterbug; and also bespoke sparkling waters from Gentleman Forager.
Purchase all manner of locally-produced viands and vittles that you can take home for your own private mastication: cocktail mixes, confections, cheeses, salsa and sauces of every kind, a bounty of breads, a multitude of mushrooms, a spate of spices, an overload of oils, and, of course, gobs and gobs of garlic-fused goodies.
#3) Chef Demos
See and sniff our rockstar chefs in the Lakewinds Local Foods tent on the Minnesota Cooks Stageon 8/9/25. Discover more ways than you thought possible to use garlic in your own kitchen:
Roasted Garlic Seeded Crackers form Montana RasmussenBlack Garlic and Tomato Chutney with Shelagh MullenMorgan Baum's Charred Scallion, Garlic and Preserved Lemon Feta DipBlack Garlic Herb Aioli with Garden Veggies alla Beth FisherAnd Mateo Mackbee's MN Maque Choux
#4) Be a Child or Just Act Like One
The 3M Garlic Buds Kids Tent is open all festival day (which is 8 days after Lughnasadh this year) for a farrago of multifarious frolicking, funmaking, and maybe even some funambulating.
A professional face painter will provide you with a new persona.
Go fly a kite: Kite making and flying commences at 1:00 p.m.
And there's even an old fashioned playground.
#5) Be in a Parade
You, too, can participate in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade, a postprandial parade that perambulates the perimeter of the premises at precisely 1:37 p.m. on 8/9/25. Bring your pinafore, plaid pants, painted face, or portable performance to the Twin Silos (see map) at 1:30 to be a part of this procession.
#6) Fellowship with Farmers
Take in one of the homesteading presentations at the Meet Your Farmer Stage, and learn about sustainable self-sufficiency techniques that you can use at home.
In the MN Grown Garlic Building, there's a stand that looks remarkably like Lucy Van Pelt's psychiatry booth, but it's staffed and stuffed with garlic growing experts who can answer your burning questions about, well, growing garlic. Cost $.05 per question.
You'll see lots of people wearing bright yellow buttons saying, "I'm a farmer, ask me". So ask them. They love to talk about their farms.
In addition to the seventeen featured garlic growers, there are no fewer than fifteen farmers or local food producers with booths. It's what the festival is all about.
7) Win Fabulous Prizes with Your Garlic
Get bragging rights, a cool ribbon, and maybe some fabulous prizes[3] by entering your homegrown garlic in the Garlic Growing Contest on Aug 9, 2025. With 11 categories, a Best-in-Show prize, and even a ribbon for the smallest garlic bulb, your chances are good. So bring your big, beautiful, bouncy bulbs – and even your itty-bitty ones.
8) Get a Limited Edition Signed Poster
This year's festival poster is a beauty, and you can purchase a limited-edition (100), framable, signed-by-the-artist, print of it at the Sustainable Farming Association booth.[4]
9) Volunteer!
Be on the crew of the best stinking festival of the summer, get VIP parking, a bright red t-shirt, and free food. Sign up HERE.
Volunteers make this event possible!
10) Take home more than just memories
Come to the Garlic Festival on the 9th of August, which is a Saturday – actually this coming Saturday if you open this email before August 9th – enjoy a lovely day with several hundred new friends, and go home smelling completely different.
See the entire schedule, maps and other useful information here:
https://sfa-mn.org/garlic-festival-schedule-map/
Buy tickets here:
https://secure.sfa-mn.org/np/clients/sfamn/eventRegistration.jsp?event=8132
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 9, 2025 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
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FOOTNOTES:
1) This persistent and pedantic pointing out of the festival date is our attempt to stave off the cascade of comments we receive after the festival that run along the lines of, "Oh, was that last Saturday?"
2) At the festival on August 9th there will be several people who know the proper way to store garlic in your kitchen. You can visit the experts in "The Garlic Grower is In" booth in the Garlic Building, or you can ask any one of those 17 featured garlic growers.
3) Fabulous prizes to be based on fabulous prizes donated to the festival to be given away as fabulous prizes. If no donations of fabulous prizes occur, then no fabulous prizes will be awarded. MN Garlic Festival and its subsidiaries are under no obligation to award fabulous prizes, even though they said they might, but they will give you back your garlic bulb. No fabulous prizes or garlic bulbs were harmed in the making of this contest.
4) When we told festival director, Jerry Ford, that the Stinky News staff were planning to be first in line for the limited edition posters, he replied, "Dude, like, I get poster #1, because, like, I'm Number One! Even though some people say I look more like #2, I still get to get the first poster. Dig it."
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THE STINKY NEWS
allegories and aphorisms about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Late July 2025 Edition
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HEADLINES:
Printing the Printed Program in Print is Passé
Rare Rave Review
The Life of Gertie the Garlic Fest Mascots
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The Passé Printed Program
The Garlic Festival has informed us that they are going to print fewer printed programs in print than in the past. So, if you want to preemptively print your own printed program in print you can go to sfa-mn.org/garlic-festival-schedule-map, click on "Download a Printed Program HERE" and print the printed program on your printer.
Or you can go to that same webpage on your mobile device and forego the printed program altogether because all the information is right there.
Or you can pick up a copy at the Information Booth that day.
The reason that the festival gave for this change is that their mimeograph machine is wearing out and there are no replacement parts available.
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Rare Rave Review
We enjoy receiving reviews from our readers, especially this one about our last edition, in which we featured a glowing article from another publication, the new nouveau poster, another shameless ploy to get you to volunteer, and more naughty words that aren't.
The review comes from Dr. Roger Marion of Wimberley, Texas, who, without having actually ever attended the festival, was the director of what is widely regarded as the best music video ever about garlic, "I Like Garlic".
A further connection is that Dr. Marion's spouse, Dianne, is the artist who designed the original Garlic Festival logo back in the mid-70's, and it's still in use today. She's never been to the festival, either.
Here is the thoughtful and erudite review of the Spring edition of The Stinky News, in its entirety, from Dr. Marion, who holds a PhD in malacology with a speciality in nudibranch neuroethology:
"Useless tripe as usual.
P.S. Keep up the good work."
In our deathless desire to raise the level of literary excellence in The Stinky News, and based on Dr. Marion's review, we are replacing our timeworn column, "Words That Sound Naughty But Aren't", with a new series entitled "Useless Tripe".
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Useless Tripe:
The Life of Gertie the Garlic Fest Mascots (Yes, "Mascots" plural – read on)
Warning: The following article is about sex, or rather the lack of sex. Reader discretion is advised.
It's important to understand that there is no garlic sex. I'm speaking specifically of sexual relations between garlic plants; what you do with your own garlic is your business. All the garlic that you're likely to meet (and eat) is asexual. It does not reproduce by pollination; it's neither male nor female. It is, in fact, a clone.
When most people hear this factoid, they invariably say, "Oh, you mean like nudibranchs."
This is a misconception, or in the case of garlic, a missed conception. Nudibranchs are all both male and female, a chick and a dude, until the moment of insemination. They are truly androgynous. Two nudibranchs get together, say at a beach party, have a couple of piña coladas, and then start the mating ritual, which is more like a poking contest. The first one to get "his" poker (some have two) to penetrate the other one is the daddy, and the poked one says, well, I guess I'm the mommy.
This would be a foreign concept to a garlic. They don't have a mommy or daddy, or really a parent at all for that matter. They're clones. They ARE their parents.[Footnote 1]
So one might think that garlic is rather dull, not having sex and all. It's not true. Garlic bulbs are great fun at parties – almost as much fun as nudibranchs – with pickup lines like, "Let's go to my place for a little vegetative reproduction . . . Oh wait, I can do that all by myself!" [2]
Therefore, the garlic on your kitchen counter that you are so seductively peeling is literally quite ancient. Each garlic bulb is its own distant ancestor. They are millenia old.
According to Dr. Nicholas R. Jordan[3], Professor of of Agronomy & Plant Genetics at the University of Minnesota:
"Garlic does indeed reproduce by shamelessly cloning itself, demonstrating a narcissistic eroticism unparalleled in the plant kingdom."
Which brings us, finally, to the story of Gertie the Garlic Festival Mascots.
The first mascot was Flat Smiling Gertie (FSG), who was designed by the artist Diane Marion, mentioned above, who's never been to the Garlic Festival. You'll still see Flat Smiling Gertie's clones scattered all around the festival. Actually, all of the festival mascots are Gartie's clones, both in name and reality.
By the 2nd annual Festival, one of FSG's clones mutated into the first three-dimensional Gertie, Fat Smiling Gertie, who, like Flat Smiling Gertie, is also called FSG, which is appropriate since, you guessed it, they're clones. Most festival-goers assumed that this Gertie was female, though it was actually just a garlic bulb wearing lipstick. Unfortunately, this Gertie was constructed of materials that mice found much to their liking, and they ate her.
A new three-dimensional Gertie quickly followed. Fat Smiling Gertie Too (FSG2) graced the grounds for several years. "She" was given even more lipstick and a wig of bright red hair, and was constructed of materials not so much to the liking of rodents.
Some scions of the original Flat Smiling Gertie also sprang forth during this period: The Gertie That Sits on a Guy's Head, also known as Googly Eye Gertie, plus a slew of "Informational Gerties".
The most recent iteration in this cloned-clove saga occurred in 2024. When Fat Smiling Getrie Too went into senescence (storage) [4] for the winter of 2023/24, the mice said, "Heck with it, let eat this one, too" but only got as far as Gertie's backside before saying, "Enough synthetic fabric and chicken wire, let's just leave an entire winter worth of poop inside it."
Unfortunately, the event crew did not discover the damage and defecation until the day before the 2024 festival. What to do? So they put FSG2 up against a wall with a heavy park bench in front and some flat smiling Gerties as decoys, and hoped that no one would look behind and exclaim, "Dude, something chewed out this bulb's butt!"
After that, Fat Smiling Gertie Too was quietly relieved of duties, but not before cloning a new copy: "New Flat Gertie That Looks 3D". This one has been adorned by a next-generation artist who is, incidentally, a festival garlic grower, Emily Rose Pfaltzgraff.
We expect this latest incarnation of Gertie to last for decades of selfies, so bring your Polaroid and Instamatic cameras, and you can take home and share a snapshot of yourself with someone that doesn't have sex.
FOOTNOTES:
2) Nudibranchs can reproduce all by themselves as well, but only if they are very limber. It sometimes happens accidentally in yoga class.
3) Nicholas Jordan leads a double life. By day he's a highly respected professor, and by a different day he's Nick Jordan, the basso profundo of the hyperfolk group, "The Light of The Moon Band", who have played at the Garlic Festival without pause since the mid-70's.
4) Garlic bulbs require a winter senescence – "vernalization" – underground, but in FSG2's case, it was in a dark storage shed.
Here's a poem about garlic vernalization by our Editor-in-Chief, Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III:
TO GARLIC UNDER SNOW
The garlic is underground, chthonic,
like some seething cell of radicals,
insinuating deep roots,
waiting for the perfect moment to riot.
Put your ear to the groundswell,
eavesdropping, and hear snatches of incendiary phrases:
“Pesto,” “Pasta” “Salsa,”
“When do we strike?”
Not today,
snow still sequesters the soil,
as cloves bide their time.
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All the Scoop and all the Skinny on the Climactic Cynosure of all the Estival Festivals:
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Spring 2025 Edition
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HEADLINES:
Number Nine
Best Poster Yet
The Annual Attempted Interview with the Director about New Stuff
Best Positions
Words that Sound Naughty Semi-Finals
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NUMBER NINE
Minneapolis St Paul Magazine has named the Garlic Festival #9 in its list of "52 Weekend Getaways from the Twin Cities". We're so chuffed about this.
Our favorite part of the article is in the first picture. If you scroll down to the shot that is obviously from the festival, the guy on the right in the white hat is Festival Director Jerry Ford showing his best side to the camera, and he's obviously clueless about which direction the Promenade is going.
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BEST POSTER YET
This year's festival poster has been released, and frankly, we're gobsmacked, chuffed, and frisson-filled. It's beautiful.
Graphic designer Becky Ankeny, the artist who created it, and who also conjured last year's "Three Bulbs in the Style of Van Gogh" poster, said of this purple and chartreuse masterpiece:
""When the four members of the Festival Arts Board (The FAB 4) recommended art nouveau for this year's poster theme, I was thrilled. Popular around 1890-1910, this style is characteristic of decorative, organic forms that I knew would apply perfectly to a garlic plant, especially the curlicue shape of the scape. Next year the design will be art deco, then we're going to skip mid-century modern and all that Bauhaus Brutalism stuff and go straight to psychedelic in 2027. I'm chuffed!”
Plus, there will be high-resolution, framable prints, signed by the artist, available to purchase during the festival at the Sustainable Farming Association booth.
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THE ANNUAL ATTEMPTED INTERVIEW with the DIRECTOR about NEW STUFF
Every year, about this time, we set up an interview with Festival Director Jerry Ford to ask him, what's new at the Garlic Fest this year? Most years, he says, "Oh, like, nothing. But people say they like that", and then he goes off on some incomprehensible tangent. This time was different.
Stinky News: Everyone knows that you are a monumental mumpsimus, and a sialoquent ultracrepidarian . . .
Ford: Um . . . thank you?
(We've found over the years that it's best to throw him off balance from the start before he gets all revved up.)
S.N.: What's new at Garlic Fest for 2025?
Ford: How should I know, dude?
S.N.: You're the director.
Ford: Like, still? Really? OK. Well then. Yeah. No. How about this? We're going to have this, like, game thingy where you throw bean bags at each other's holes.
S.N. Bean Bag Toss?
Ford: Right on, Bro. It's got, like, some other name, too, ya know?
S.N. You mean corn . . .
Ford: Baggo! Yeah, that's it, dude. We'll even have teams where you can play in a, well, team, with other teamsters, right?
S.N.: Are you on a team so that we can avoid that one?
Ford: Dang straight, baby. My team is the Big Bad Bean Bagger Bros, and our uniform is a tan-tinted tutu & putrid pink pinafore, with a brocade waistcoat and pince nez.
S.N.: Right. What else is new?
Ford: Dig it: we're chuffed about these new giant puppets.
S.N.: You mean The Narren? But you've had them since the mid-80's.
Ford: Nah, man, those cats scare me. Literally - one of them is a cat. Did you know they occupied city hall in New Ulm and tied up the mayor?
S.N.: You were saying something about some big puppets?
Ford: Dig it: We got the Wandering Puppets from "In the Heart of the Beast Theatre". Check them out HERE.
S.N. You know that links don't work in conversation.
Ford: Yeah, well, like, you can fill it in when you print it, bro.
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BEST POSITIONS
Stinky News staff are in disagreement on best positions. Some say the choicest volunteer assignment at the festival is with the Admissions team because you get to see all the odd people who would actually pay to get into a garlic festival. Others are totally chuffed when chosen for the Chef Stage Crew. Of course, if you volunteer – unlike the punters going through admissions –you don't pay. And you get a t-shirt and free food. And VIP parking.
Go HERE to volunteer, and you can pick your own best position.
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WORDS that SOUND NAUGHTY but AREN'T SEMI-FINALS
As we enter the semi-final round of this year's WTS-NBA, these are the entries that have made it this far.
But first, it has come to the attention of the Naughty Committee that some folks believe that these are made up words – "offensive fabricated phonations" [Footnote 1] according to one reader. To allay such allegations, each semi-finalist word is linked to its definition.
Diddle, Spuddle, Fuddle and Snaffle (entered as a verbåge à quatre)
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Tickets Now on Sale!
Saturday, August 9, 2025
www.mngarlicfest.com
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FOOTNOTE:
1) The phrase, "offensive fabricated phonations" is a quote from the poem, "The F Word", though it's but a tittynope of the abundant alliteration presented in its entirety below. It is by the post-imminent poet and practitioner of panticulation, Marienne Kreitlow.
The F Word
The fortune teller fingered the figurine
and foretold of a flamboyant financier, and his future fascination
with a full-bodied, forty-ish freckled file clerk
who fearlessly fox trotted to flamenco fanfares,
free-formed to funk,
frugged to fugues,
and frequently flaunted festive, fuchsia flamingos
in front of frumpish, frigid fräuleins.
A frantic affair followed as foretold.
Fueled by the fervent fire of unflagging fondness, fornication flourished.
Frightening feeding frenzies followed.
Foraging on figs and french fries,
the fused frolickers fell into ferocious, flatulent fits,
furiously furling and flinging flimsy, flippant,
and offensive fabricated phonations
until festering feelings faded.
Fathoming the failure of futile fooferaw,
the fabulous friends finally focused on fundamental phalange fixation.
Feathering her feet, he confronted his forbidden fetish effectually,
frolicking in the follicles of foolproof fun.
*A footnote;
If you fly further into far-fetched fantasies,
fully follow forever, or forfeit fragrant fields of fortuitous...
lovemaking.
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THE STINKY NEWS
Elucidating Expatiations, Bruited Scuttlebutt [Footnote 1), and Solecistic Screeds
about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
February 2025 Edition
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HEADLINES
The Garlic Nebula
Words that Sound Naughty, February Nominations
Something about the Festival
A New Recipe from Mary Jane Miller [5]
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The Garlic Nebula
Back in the mid-60's, these pages featured an article on astrophysics in which, as our readers from that time who are still alive and sane will recall, we not only revealed the "Biggest Thing in the Universe" known at that time, but we also disclosed that astrophysicists informally refer to themselves as assfizzies.
Since then we have come to appreicate that assfizzies are the most fun-loving scions of the scientific disciplines, and they delight in getting away with giving cute names to really big things based on dumb jokes. The more puissant [2] and published the assfizzie, the more likely it is that they will get to pick a really silly name and have it stick. It appears to be a point of pride for them. For example:
The Huge Large Quasar Group: "because it's like, you know, really huge and large"
The Shapely Super Cluster : "I think I dated her in grad school"
The Dark Doodad Nebula: this one brings guffaws at assfizzie conventions, along with cries of "I can't believe they let us call it that!"
The Hamburger Galaxy: "I wonder if they have a McDonalds yet"[3]
Bob: "It was a busy day at the observatory and we needed a name right away for that new star, so Bob said . . ."
The Big Bang: no punchline needed
and, our favorite, The Garlic Nebula: "It looks like a garlic bulb, and it's mostly gas"
Now it has been discovered by no one who wants to take credit for it that the Garlic Nebula is rich in the element Tellurium – #52 on the periodic table. Tellurium is extremely rare on earth because most of it burned off during a really hot period in our planet's development. Likewise, the remaining tellurium is expected to say "Too hot, I'm outta here" and quit the premises by the end of this century.
To top it all off, according to Ripley's Believe It or Not, just half a milligram of Tellurium can cause your skin and breath to smell of garlic for days. Coincidence?
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Words that Sound Naughty February Nominations
Here are the "Words & Phrases that Sound Naughty but Aren't" nominations for late February, 2025:
Scuttlebutt
Water Butt
Puissant
Big Bang
Astrophysicist
The winners will be chosen from all of the entries sometime.
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Something about the Festival
It has come to our attention that this issue of The Stinky News doesn't actually have an article that's about the Garlic Festival.
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Minnesota Garlic Festival
Saturday, August 9, 2025
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Really cool video about the food there if you haven't seen it yet
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FOOTNOTES:
1) Water Butts were fresh water storage containers on board sailing ships, and the Scuttlebutt was the particular one where sailors would drink, often while exchanging ship's gossip, much like the modern idiom, "over the water cooler."
2) The decision to include "puissant" in this article caused a a bit of a kerfuffle around the scuttlebutt at Stinky News World Headquarters. The editorial staff couldn't agree on the pronunciation, which you would normally assume to be a moot point in a print publication, but not among these self-appointed guardians of the language.
The altercation went something like this:
"It's pronounced puss-AWNT."
"No, it's PISS-ant"
"Puss-AWNT!"
"PISS-ant!"
"It's puss-AWNT, you perennially pathetic puke."
"It is not, so shut your pompous pie-hole. It's PISS-ant."
"You're the PISS-ant!"
"Am not. You're a puss . . . AWNT!"
Fortunately, at this particular moment our staff alphabetorian, Abie Seedy, piped in with: "How can it be that the words 'ovate', 'ovation', and 'innovation' all come from different word origins?" [5]
The effect on the crowd was stunning.
They dispersed, all scratching their heads, rubbing their chins, or thumbing their smartphones while considering this conundrum.
3) Among us humans, who will travel to the Hamburger Galaxy first? Who has the motivation and resources to do so? There are those who believe that only a cooperative effort by all the planet's space agencies – NASA, 中国国家航天局, भारतीय अंतरिक्ष एजेंसी, Правительство России, and others – could manage it. Some people believe it will be the likes of SpaceX or Virgin Galactic. The really cool author Mary Doria Russell makes a strong case that Jesuit missionaries have the requisite motivation.
However, our money is on McDonalds. They are already planning a franchise mission for the Year of our Lawd 6,969. [4]
4) Year of our LAWD = Long After We're Dead
5) Which brings us to the point of presenting an innovative recipe from our former Chef Wrangler, the prestigious and puissant Mary Jane Miller, who won standing ovations at the festival for her chef demos in the mid-70's. This recipe is for a homemade mayonnaise using eggs and ovate garlic bulbs; plus there's a bonus garlic aioli recipe and the basics on how to roast garlic.
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Mary Jane Miller’s Homemade Mayo
1 egg, 1 Tbsp. Dijon mustard
1 Tbsp. white wine or apple cider vinegar
¼ tsp. salt, 1 cup neutral vegetable oil, like canola or grapeseed*
Put all the ingredients in a narrow beaker (most immersion blenders come with a mixing beaker but a wide mouth pint mason jar works well). Place the immersion blender into the beaker resting the blade end on the bottom. Blend on high speed about 30 seconds or until the mixture starts to thicken. Lift the blender slowly through the mayonnaise to finish incorporating all the oil. Cover and refrigerate for up to 5 days.
Makes about 1 ¼ cups
Notes:
If you want to use extra virgin olive oil to make the mayonnaise you can treat it with boiling water to remove the bitter tasting polyphenols or use a light olive oil. To treat the olive oil combine one cup oil with one cup of boiling water in a heat safe bowl. Whisk until well blended. Pour into a measuring cup and let stand at room temperature for 1 hour. Spoon off the oil and discard the water.
This is made with raw eggs and should not be consumed by young children, the elderly or anyone with a compromised immune system. Alternatively you can use pasteurized eggs. To pasteurize eggs at home without a sous vide, place the eggs in a saucepan filled with cold water, gradually heat the water to 140°F using a thermometer, and hold them at that temperature for 3-5 minutes, ensuring the water covers the eggs completely then immediately transfer them to a bowl of ice water to rapidly cool them down. This method requires careful temperature monitoring to avoid cooking the eggs. Have a cup of cold water at hand to add a bit to reduce the temperature quickly. If you have a sous vide machine heat the eggs in water at 135F for 75 minutues.
Roasted Garlic Aioli
3 bulbs roasted garlic, 1 Tbsp. lemon juice
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce, 1 ¼ cup mayo
2 Tbsp. chopped fresh herbs, dill, chives, parsley or cilantro work well (optional)
Squeeze garlic out of its skins into a medium mixing bowl. Mash with a fork. Blend in the lemon juice, and Worcestershire sauce. Stir into the mayo. Stir in the herbs, if desired.
Makes about 1-½ cups
Note: To roast garlic, Heat oven to 400F. Cut off ½ inch of the top of the bulb. Place garlic on a piece of foil. Drizzle cut surface of the garlic with about a teaspoon of olive oil. Scrunch the foil around the garlic. Roast for 30 to 40 minutes or until garlic is very tender and beginning to brown
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THE STINKY NEWS
Ideations, Idylls and Intimations on
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Late Autumnal Edition 2024
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HEADLINES
Largest Garlic Festival
Best Ever Food Review at Garlic Fest
Other Quirky Festivals
Naught Naughty Words
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Largest Garlic Festival
When we conducted our exit polls at this year's Garlic Fest, several attendees implied that Minnesota's is now the largest garlic fest anywhere ever. We interviewed Festival Director, Jerry Ford, to see if this was true.
Stinky News: You're the Garlic Festival Director. People are saying yours is the biggest.
Ford: Right on, bro. Oh, you mean the festival? My bad.
SN: Yes. Is it?
Ford: Is what?
SN: The festival.
Ford: The festival what?
SN: The biggest?
Ford: Yeah, well, dig it, it's bigger than the Twine Ball Festival.
SN: Yes, but is it the biggest garlic festival?
Ford: The Twine Ball Festival?
SN: No. Is the MN Garlic Festival the biggest garlic festival?
Ford: That's what people are saying, dude.
Then we decided to get the facts by hiring a fact checking consulting firm based in Eastern Europe, Faque Czech, to check the facts and tell us if, in fact, the MN Garlic Festival is the biggest one.
Here's what they found:
In 2019, the Gilroy Garlic Festival reported attendance of 100,000, which made it by far the largest garlic festival. Their attendance is greater than the MN Garlic Festival by a factor of a whole bunch. But the Gilroy festival was cancelled in 2022.
There are U.S. garlic fests in New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Masschusettes, Maine, Oregon, Ohio, and another one in California. All but Maine have a higher attendance than Minnesota.
There are garlic festivals in Estonia, Finland, England, Japan, and France. They're all bigger.
Confidence is high that the MN Garlic Festival is bigger than Twine Ball Days; however, we could not verify that there actually was a twine ball festival in 2024.
What we can confirm is that Minnesota has the largest garlic festival in the Upper Midwest.
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Best Ever Food Review at Garlic Fest
The "Best Ever Food Review Show" did the best ever food review of the best ever food at this year's festival. See it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pim4WJn_Ij4
They ravenously raved about several of the food purveyors:
"The garlic intensity is growing"
"You go to kiss your loved one later and she wretches"
"Absolutely saturated with garlic butter"
"They've got camel meat, something you don't usually find in Minnesota"
"What did they cut this with – a machete?"
"I'm a better person for having put that in my mouth"
-------------------
Other Quirky Festivals Series
In this series we feature other quirky festivals in Minnesota.
The small town of Pequot Lakes, a suburb of Jenkins, and renowned as far away as Brainerd for their fishing bobber water tower and superb eelpout angling, has a lovely little festival called Bean Hole Days.
The staff here at Stinky News World Headquarters were at first a bit confused and a little embarrassed about what a bean hole might be. Then we discovered that, on the first day of this festival, they bury the beans in the ground - in a hole - to cook. Because, after all, what could be more exciting than watching beans cook underground?
Once they've recovered from that excitement, the attendees ("Beanies") line up to eat the beans the next day. The lines are long enough that they actually offer, for a price, tickets to jump the queue, to go to the head of the line. They call this feature "Fast Pass to Gas".
One notable difference between the Bean Hole Festival and the Garlic Festival is that Garlic Fest is consistently malodorous throughout the day; whereas Bean Hole Festival starts out smelling no worse than an eelpout, but is downright odiferous by the end of the day. Both live up to their bylines:
Bean Hole - "Rootin' tootin' good fun for the family"
Garlic Fest - "Best stinking festival in Minnesota"
In the next episode of Quirky Festivals: Darwin Twine Ball Days. Maybe. Whatever. [Footnote 1]
--------------------
Naught Naughty Words
Regular readers[2] know that in the basement at Stinky News World Headquarters lives the "Words That Sound Naughty But Aren't Hall of Fame", and that we accept nominations to be inducted throughout the year.
The next inductees are:
Fallacy
Molasses
Pequot
Bean Hole
--------------------
SAVE THE DATE! [3]
the 18th Annual
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 9, 2025
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
mngarlicfest.com
--------------------
FOOTNOTES:
1) Our new subscriber may be unaware that we have a friendly rivalry with the Darwin Ball of Twine Extravaganza – our red haired step sister festival – because it falls on the same weekend as Garlic Fest, and because they're such an easy target to pick on.
2) Because they eat beans.
3) Not that the date needs saving. It's going to happen whether you try to save it or not. But it appreciates the sentiment.
**********************************
The Stinky News
the Ontic Ontology of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
the End Times Edition [Footnote 1]
-------------------
HEADLINES:
Everything with Garlic
Save Trees with Festival-at-a-Glance
Collector's Edition Poster
Get Stinky Quicker
Beware of Scams
------------------
EVERYTHING with GARLIC
Here is this year's comprehensive list of all the things that will have garlic in them at the festival:
oils
salt
jam
chili
rubs
wine
BBQ
momos
tzatziki
powder
atili aioli
black garlic
jerk chicken, mac
& cheese, grilled cheese,
kettle corn, cotton candy,
Indian and Korean street food,
roasted and fermented vegetables,
cheesesteak, smoothies, bloody marys,
jellies, relishes, pickles, glazes, vinegars,
19,200 bulbs in the MN Grown Garlic Building,
TWO kinds of ice cream, sauces, pasta, the
atmosphere within a two mile radius around
the fairgrounds, preserves, sauerkraut,
salsa, and posters (see below)
/ / / / / / \ \ \ \ \
--------------------
FESTIVAL at a GLANCE
Save a tree! When you get to the festival, you won't need a printed program. They will still be available, but you can show how hip you are by using this link:
https://sfa-mn.org/garlic-festival-schedule-map/
to go to the Festival-at-a-Glance page. Everything you need to know to have a stinking good time.
-------------------
COLLECTOR'S EDITION POSTER
There's quite a buzz going on about the Garlic Festival poster this year.
See it HERE.
Folks of a certain age have called it "trippy", "far out" and "Groovy like the It's a Beautiful Day album cover". We just think it's pretty.
And you can take a print home with you!
At the Sustainable Farming Association Grand Exhibit Hall, located within the main vendor building, they will have framable 11" x 17" prints on high quality paper for $25 each.
But it's a limited run: only 100 copies printed. Get there early, and they'll hold your print for you until you're ready to leave.
Note: if you forget to pick it up, you're S.O.L.[2] – SFA staff will claim the prodigal posters for themselves.
---------------------
GET STINKY QUICKER
With the fabulously favonian forecast for the festival, we're expecting a great multitude. To reduce the time it takes to get in, we suggest:
1) Buy your tickets in advance. Then just print out the receipt or the instructions email you'll get, or, if you're as hip as we are, show it on your mobile device when you get to one of the admissions gates. They will wave you through like the star you are.
2) Pick your entrance. The main entrance is at 840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson. The new south entrance is unaddressed and unstreetsigned, but it's on Airport road between the fairgrounds and – you guessed it – the airport.
Both will have a skyscraping "garlic" flag where you turn, so you can't miss it. [3]
--------------------
SCAMS
There's a special level of hell set aside for people who do this stuff. There's a scam going on, mostly on Facebook, where people are selling booth space. The problems are that 1) they are not the Garlic Festival, and 2) there is no remaining booth space and hasn't been for weeks.
So, if you're considering paying "Charles Emory" or "Alexia Jason" or some other jackleg shuck-and-jive schyster for a booth to sell your garlic-scented nose blowers, you will be S.O.L.[2], and you'll be out the bucks you gave them, and there won't be room for you anyway.
If you paid anyone for a vendor booth other than "SFA" or "Sustainable Farming Association", or talked to anyone other than Tarah Huston, you've been scammed.
There may also be an admission ticket scam. If you ordered your admission tickets anywhere but HERE, they're not real.
We're all sorry this is happening, but not as sorry as the jackleg shuck-and-jive schysters will be when they get to their special level of hell. They say there's no garlic there.
--------------------
Footnotes:
1) It's the end of the time spent waiting for the festival to get here.
2) Surely Out of Luck.
3) There's actually a third entrance. But to get in that way, you have to volunteer.
**********************************
THE STINKY NEWS
The Epistolary Email of Quotidian Crotchets and Quiddities
of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Summer Solstice 2024 Edition
----------------
HEADLINES
The Get-In-Free Ploy
AI
Garlic Tidbit
Festival Food Feature
Nominations for 2024 Words that Sound Naughty But Aren't List
----------------
The Get-In-Free Ploy
Every year about this time, Stinky News receives a press release from the Garlic Festival that reads something like,
"Want a free ticket to Garlic Fest?"
Then there are several lines about getting a free t-shirt, food, VIP parking and "hanging out with the stinkiest crew in Minnesota" before it finally gets to the punchline: Volunteer!
Cute.
We're just going to say it straight: Volunteer to help out with the festival. Our entire staff does this because they just like to, though the free admission, cool t-shirt, free food, and special parking are pretty nice perks.
Go HERE to learn more and sign up.
----------------
AI
Our Editor in Chief, Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III, recently received a letter to the editor saying, "If you used AI, you could lay off half your staff."
We weren't sure how AI fit into our operation, so we ran it past our staff Farm Correspondent, Ole MacDonald. Before he came to work for us, Ole MacDonald had a farm, and on his farm he had AI for breeding the cattle.
He was flummoxed how AI would help us.
Then we sent it to our Staff Veterinarian, Dr. Anne E. Mall, who holds a DVM in Animal Husbandry.
She was equally flummoxed.
Finally, we then turned it over to our ombudsman, U. Kant Printhat, who showed it to his 9 year old son, Willy Printhat, who said, "You know that AI is artificial intelligence, right?"
Oh.
So we asked Willy to ask the AI thing to write something nice about the Garlic Festival.
Here's what came back three minutes later:
Get Stinky and Have a Blast at the Minnesota Garlic Festival!
Calling all garlic lovers (and the slightly less enthusiastic)! The Minnesota Garlic Festival is back, promising a weekend of pungent fun, delicious eats, and everything garlic.
Layoffs will commence next week.
----------------
Garlic Tidbit [footnote 1]
"Low-lit, gothic-style bar with 101 flavoured vodkas and cantina-style food, all with lots of garlic."
That describes a pub in London called Garlic & Shots. In addition to all those vodkas, there's garlic beer, smoked garlic sausage, and a "vampire steak" served – you guessed it – on a wooden stake.
And if London's not your style, they have a second location in Stockholm, Sweden, though its tagline is much more direct: "It's all about the garlic and shots." They even run a "Garlic Pirate Cruise".
----------------------
Festival Food Feature
In each of our editions between now and festival day, we will feature one of the festival's food vendors.
Do you know momo? At the festival, you will get to know Amazing Momo. Momos are Tibetan steamed dumplings that can be stuffed with meat or vegetables, and you can see Amazing Momo's amazing momo's HERE.
----------------------
Nominations for 2024 Words that Sound Naughty But Aren't List
Around this time of year, we take nominations for words and phrases that sound like they should mean something naughty but don't. Then we publish a list of the top 10 naughtiest sounding ones that aren't.
Here are the contenders so far:
Quotidian
Tidbits
Animal Husbandry
Crotchet [3]
Uvula
Etymological FOOTNOTES:
1) "Tidbits" comes to us from Old English via Middle English. In the late Middle Ages, the trade of the door-to-door salesman began to thrive in England. Early on, a practice developed in which these perambulating peddlers would seek out the village gossip, usually an elderly woman, to get information on potential customers.
These women realized that they had a valuable commodity – information – and formed the "Cearcae Gield" (Literally "Chatterers Guild").
They settled on a standard charge of "two bits", which was, at that time, two of the smallest value coins in whatever the local currency was.[2] This standardization suited the salesmen, and "getting two bits of gossip" became a common phrase. As the Anglo-Saxon Old English morphed into Middle English, and as regional accents passed the term back and forth, it became "getting tidbits".
As it passed into the modern era, it lost its monetary context and came to mean a small morsel, mostly of tasty food, but is often used euphemistically to mean a bit of information (see "trivia" and "factoid").
And it sounds naughty, especially in the current British spelling, "Titbit".
2) How this came to mean 25 cents in American English is a bit of a mystery.
3) You're probably thinking that we misspelled "crochet". The words are related, though a crotchet is "a highly individual and usually eccentric opinion or preference". Both crotchet and crochet appear to come from a french word that meant a hook or crook.
Example: His perennial crotchet is that he hates garlic and can't understand people who eat it.
And it sounds naughty. After all, in Elizabethan times, it was a slang term for a small codpiece. [4]
4) Of the etymologies above, one is accurate mostly, whereas the other is entirely fabricated.
**********************************
THE STINKY NEWS
The Emphatically Phatic Screed of Notabilia
about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Two by Two Edition
Spring 2024
-----------------
Headlines:
New Two Entrances This Year
New Two Garlic Ice Creams
-----------------
Editor's Note: The Garlic Festival has acknowledged that they had problems with queues [Footnote 1] last year, and they have vowed to improve the situation. Now we have received two press releases from them addressing the issues.
New Two Entrances
The first queue problem happens before you even get to the festival. It seems everyone wants to arrive right at 10:01 a.m., and last year this resulted in a traffic jam, at least in Hutchinson terms. (In the Twin Cities, waiting behind 30 or 40 cars in line to get through an intersection is just called "traffic". In Hutch, it makes the front page.)
We received the following "Press Relief" from Festival Director, Jerry Ford, a man for whom the telencephalon is a vestigial organ, and who obviously wrote this one himself.
Press Relief title:
"Dude, we're fixing the traffic problem by adding another one."
Obviously, it made no sense, so we rang him up. Here's a transcript of the conversation:
Director Ford: "Garlic Festivals International. Talk to me."
Stinky News: "Director Ford, you said you're 'adding another one' to solve the traffic problem. What does that mean?"
Ford: "Yeah, like, dig it: I thought we already had another one, but now they say there will be another nother one."
S.N.: "Who says that?"
Ford: "Those dudes that hang around here."
S.N.: "Your staff?"
Ford: "Right. Them. They're adding another nother one."
S.N.: "Another one what?"
Ford: "Entrance thingey, you know, for cars."
S.N.: "So, you're adding a second entrance?"
Ford: "That's just it, baby. We already have one. I mean, a second one. Which is confusing, right? 'Second one'? Like, if it's a second one, it's not one anymore, know what I mean? It's two."
S.N.: "But you have only one public entrance."
Ford: "Word. But now we're going to have two but it's actually three because of the second other one. You know, like, the secret one."
S.N.: "Do you mean the VIP entrance where you can only get in if you have a pass? Like for the volunteers and musicians and chefs?"
Ford: "Right on, Bro, but, like, when I cruise up there in my Ford Pinto they make me turn around. They say I gotta have a flakin' VIP pass. Dude, I'm THE VIP."
S.N.: "Maybe they just don't want you there; but that aside, they're going to open up a second public entrance, right?"
Ford: "Yeah, a third of two entrances. Whatever. Like Meatloaf said, 'three out of two ain't bad."
So, yes, it turns out that the festival is going to have two public entrances this year, with completely different approach routes. This should take care of the traffic problems. Read more about it here:
https://www.mngarlicfest.com/faq-page
-----------------
Garlic Ice Cream Smackdown
The second instance in which the queues were entirely too long was for the garlic ice cream. The festival's solution: duelling ice cream vendors.
First let's meet the new challenger.
Hailing from St. Joseph, MN (which the locals call "St. Joe" or "Joetown") and weighing in at 10-degrees F, is Jupiter Moon Ice Cream[3]. Their one-two punch? A right jab of honey roasted garlic ice cream with a berry reduction swirl, followed by a left hook with Redhead Creamery cheese and garlic.
And they have an incredibly cute truck.
And in the other corner, in the white and chocolate trunks, is Minnesota Nice Cream from Northeast Minneapolis (which the locals call Ne Mpls, pronounced "nay mipples", not to be confused with "May Nipples" which is one of their featured flavors.) A five-time festival champion in the featherweight division, these folks feature soft serves that look like a Jackson Pollock painting crashed into a sweet shop and were driven to the ER in a clown car. With a staggering array of garlic themed toppings, they'll come out swinging.
And they have an incredibly cute truck.
So, will two ice cream trucks equal short queues? We'll let them go 15 rounds on August 10th to find out.
FOOTNOTES:
1) The British have this one right: "queue" is the appropriate term in this context, as opposed to "line" which is the closest distance between two points[2] and everyone knows that those queues at Garlic Fest put you didn't close to anything except other people in the queue.
2) This is the classic definition from basic geometry. However, in quantum mechanics, nothing could be further from the truth. Take for instance the time-worn "Schrodinger's Line" thought experiment, which holds that if you place a line, which by definition is infinite and has no mass, inside a box where no one can see it, then it is both a line and a queue simultaneously. Einstein called quantum mechanics the great dance of the universe, and it is through Schrodinger that we got the Boot Scootin' Boogie and Cotton-Eyed Joe, and this incredible version of the latter by Nina Simone.
3) Trivia question. Which of Jupiter's moons is Jupiter Moon Ice Cream's favorite:
- Europa
- Io
- Garlycmede
- Callisto
********************************************************
THE STINKY NEWS
The ontic ontology of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Winter Edition 2024
------------------
HEADLINES:
Ticket Prices Remain Unchanged
Vendor Applications Coming Soon
The Doggerel Contest
Flag Contest Winner
------------------
Ticket Prices Remain Unchanged
The State Fair ("The Great Minnesota Get Together") has once again mimicked the Garlic Festival ("The Great Minnesota Stink Together") by not doing something.
Both events aren't going to raise their ticket prices, but Garlic Fest didn't do it first. The State Fair voted to keep ticket prices flat for the 2024 event, prompting Fair CEO Renee Alexander to say, “We want to try and still be that affordable, valuable experience."
However, prior to that the Garlic Fest had already previously not taken action on raising ticket prices, prompting board president Sarah Lindblom to say, "We kinda forgot about that", and Festival Director Jerry Ford to add, "We charge?"
The results?
- The State Fair will cost you $18, your 8-year-old $16, and your 3-year-old that you didn't want to bring anyway gets in free. Parking is $20 unless you can fit them all on your motorcycle ($15)
- By contrast, Garlic Fest is $10, all your 12-and-under kids get in free, and so does your car.
And Garlic Fest tickets are on sale now!
------------------
Vendor Applications Coming Soon
Garlic Festival Vendor Coordinator, Tarah Huston, who holds a Doctorate degree in Ataraxy, informs us that vendor applications will be available on the website starting February 10, 2024. "We're limiting the number of vendors to at least as many as last year and probably a bunch more," said Huston, "so get those applications in early."
The place to start is:https://www.mngarlicfest.com/vendors
------------------
The Doggerel Contest
Festival fans will recall that The Stinky News has run several garlic-centric competitions in which competitors can competitively compete for fabulous prizes. Some of them have been poetry contests. There was the Limerick Grand Prix, the Haiku Smackdown, and the Homeric Heroic Epic Contest. [Footnote 1]
Next up: doggerels.
Rules:
Your doggerel poem must be about garlic. It may follow any particular poetic form or none at all, and doesn't have to be any good or make any sense. Extra points if the poem is set to atonal music. And not too long, please.
Here is an example from our staff poet at Stinky News World Headquarters, N. Jambment. To hear her version of the poem set to atonal music, click HERE.
There once was a garlic-eating dog named Doggerel
who flatulated like a fogger. Well,
he went to the Garlic Fest,
found that he smelled the best,
and so ends this rhyme that doesn't rhyme so well.
So, drop a doggerel on us. Winners to be announced sometime.
-----------------------
Festival Flag Contest Winner
A winner has been chosen in the competition to design a new flag for Minnesota! And even better, someone won the contest to create a new Garlic Festival flag.
Everyone is familiar with the original Garlic Festival Flag. (If you don't see the image, click HERE.)
However, there has been an ongoing obstreperous outcry against it. These outcryers cry out that the flag shames people who have garlic-shaped heads and no noses. Point taken.
So, we have chosen a winning entry from our one finalist, and this flag shouldn't offend anyone. (If it doesn't show up, see it HERE.)
The designer is Nathan Kirkman, Age 11, and is titled "Flag of Many Wonders." Brilliant! Except that it also shows a proboscisless garlic head. And it's crosseyed. Whatever. We're going with it.
Nathan wins free admission to the festival as long as he signs up as a volunteer.
-----------------------
FOOTNOTES:
1) The titles of the winning entries in these contests were:
- Limerick: "A Garlic from Nantucket"
- Haiku: "Untitled"[2]
- Homeric Heroic Epic: "The Garliciad".
2) Actually, all of the haikus were titled "Untitled", which made the judging difficult: "In 1st place we have 'Untitled'. 2nd place honors go to 'Untitled' . . ." [3]
3) And they were all written by "Anonymous", except for one composed by Anne Ominous. So we gave the prize to her.
********************************************************
THE STINKY NEWS
A phrontistery for festive phonations about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Post Fest Post, September 2023
--------------------
Headlines:
GET MORE GARLIC HERE
GET MORE RECIPES HERE
HOW MANY PEOPLE?
--------------------
GET MORE GARLIC HERE
Have you already eaten all that garlic you bought at the festival last month? You know, those bulbs you bought as seed to plant in October, but they just looked so good you had to make some pesto, and then a batch of aioli, and before long you were chomping them down like an HFCS'd-up tween at a pizza party, and now there's nothing left to plant, let alone satisfy your allium-induced cravings? Or did you simply miss the festival altogether?
You're in luck!
The Upper Midwest Premium Garlic Directory has over 30 growers offering over 70 varieties of garlic. Whether you're jonesing for some perky Porcelain, gastronomical German or chthonic Carpathian, or you can't wait to gorge on Georgian, eat Estonian, munch Music, ingest Inchelium, chew on Chesnok, masticate Metechi, binge on Bogatyr, sup on Siberian, lick some Lorz or dine on Deerfield, this directory has it all. Plus purveyors of garlic powder and other pungent products.
Find it all here:
https://sfa-mn.org/garlic-directory
--------------------
GET MORE RECIPES HERE
Minnesota Cooks served up a sumptuous Chef Stage at the festival last month, and you can now download all the recipes HERE.
And here's a really cool spot that Chef Stage Chef Nettie Colόn did on WCCO TV:
https://www.cbsnews.com/minnesota/video/watch-chef-demonstrations-at-hutchinsons-garlic-festival/
--------------------
HOW MANY PEOPLE?
Every year about this time, we start asking the Garlic Festival Board probing questions, like what do they do with the massive profits, why haven't you fired your director, and how come no one is selling garlic scented personal lubricants at the festival?
This year we started our persistent probing with, "What was the attendance?" They put us in touch with Festival Director, Jerry Ford, which is, regrettably, what they always do when they don't have a good answer. [1]
Here is a transcript of that interview.
Stinky News: Director Ford, can you tell us how many people were at the MN Garlic Festival this year?
Director Ford: It's only a one day thing, dude.
SN: Yes, we know.
Ford: You said this year.
SN: OK, what was the attendance that day?
Ford: What day?
SN: The day of the festival.
Ford: Like, this year?
SN: Yes, this year.
Ford: It's only one day . . .
SN: STOP THAT! Just tell us the attendance.
Ford: Whoa, touchy. Fine. Yeah, no, well, there were a lot of people there. Gnome sane.
SN: Yes, but how many?
Ford: It's, like, hard to count them when they keep moving around like that. If this was just a puny little shindig, like that Twine Ball Daze thingy, you could probably do it.
SN: Don't you count the number of tickets sold at the admissions gate?
Ford: Dude! That's a great idea! Wait, yeah, no, won't work, gnome sane.
SN: Why not?
Ford: Dig it: there's all those kids that get in free that don't, gnome sane, have tickets. And what about all those people that sneak in early?
SN: What people?
Ford: Oh, baby, there are hundreds of them! They're, like, selling food and garlic and stuff. And all those people wearing red t-shirts with "staff" on the back. How'd they get in? Gnome sane.
SN: That's your vendors and volunteers. And why do you keep saying gnome sane?
Ford: All the cool cats say it.
SN: You mean "You know what I'm saying?"
Ford: Yeah, I know what you're saying. You want to know, like, how many people were at the festival.
SN: So how many were there?
Ford: Not a clue, gnome sane?
Then we gave up and asked Festival Manager, Sarah Knoss, who quickly replied, "About the same as last year, maybe a few more."
We'll try to get a figure by our next edition.
--------------------
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 10, 2024 probably
--------------------
Footnotes:
1) We just stuck that in there because every time we've done an issue without footnotes we get no more than a dozen complaints that there weren't any footnotes.
********************************************************
THE STINKY NEWS
Post Lughnasa Lunacy about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
August 2023
-----------------------
HEADLINES
Festival Director Coherent Again
Who Needs Drones?
A Few Other Things
-----------------------
FESTIVAL DIRECTOR COHERENT AGAIN on NETWORK TELEVISION
Well, it's happened again, and we're beginning to take it personally. Festival Director, Jerry Ford, was once again erudite and completely comprehensible in an interview with someone other than us. When we talk with him, he's unerudite, incomprehensible, and just plain dumb.
In this latest incident, Director Ford was on KSTP Channels 5 and 45, the ABC affiliate in the Twin Cities, last Thursday morning, and not only did he use complete sentences, but he even made the show's hosts laugh, and not in derision.
And KSTP didn't even need to use the "suck filter" that the Hutchinson cable channel employed so effectively last year.
See the KSTP interview here:
https://kstp.com/special-coverage/minnesota-live/minnesota-garlic-festival-in-hutchinson/
But he did make one fabulously fatuous faux pas, so we gleefully took him to task over it.
Stinky News: Congratulations, Mr. Director, on a successful interview on KSTP.
Ford: Is this, you know, a trick question?
SN: No, it was a congratulatory statement.
Ford: Dude, I didn't do it.
SN: Yes, you did, and you said that New Ulm was a village of idiots.
Ford: Wha?! Um, no, yeah, whoa, not what I meant. Like, you know, the Narren, they're, like, an old German tradition thingy where they make these gnarly masks and pretend to be a whole town of fools. That's what "narren" means in Deutsch, dude: Fools.
SN: Go back and look at the interview. You clearly said . . .
Ford: No can do, dude. I never look at my interviews. I'm way too, like, erudite and comprehensible. It's embarrassing, bro.
-----------------------
WHO NEEDS DRONES?
Our irregular readers might recall that Kite Making and Flying is a popular festival feature, and the festival has a new Kites Director: Josh Borrell. Josh is a retired army Major who was a Civil Affairs Officer, and is now a vegetable farmer in Waverly [Footnote 1].
Our staff Conspiracy Theorist and Anti-meliorist, Tim Foilhat, believes otherwise. "The veggie growing thing is just a front. As anyone in the know knows, no one who says they were in "Civil Affairs" was civil or had time for affairs – they were actually Military Intelligence," says Foilhat, "I believe he's going to instal cameras on the kites and surveil the Hutchinson airport, which is just next door to the fairgrounds."
When we asked Mr. Foilhat why Josh would want to do that, he whispered, "Because. He. Can."
Mr. Foilhat no longer works at Stinky News Central Command.
On a side note, the festival offers the kite making/flying feature for free, even though we've discovered it costs them $7.00 per kit. So when you see those donation jars, pony up, or Josh might surveil you.
-----------------------
10 OTHER THINGS to DO at GARLIC FESTIVAL
1) Volunteer! Get in free, VIP parking, a t-shirt, and free food. If the Sign Up Form is intimidating (none of our staff could get through it without saying "Dang, I'll just email Olivia") then just email Olivia and tell her to give you an assignment.
2) Enter the Garlic Growing Contest. There's even a "Garlic Makeover" category where you can let your stinking artistic talents shine.
3) Eat.
4) Buy Garlic.
5) Act like a kid.
6) Watch Chef Demos. Hint: samples!
7) Meet your farmer.
8) Parade in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade.
9) One of the best kept secrets [footnote 2] is the Opening Ceremony "Throwing Out the First Bulb"
10) Eat some more, and have a beverage.
10.1) Be entertained.
10.2) Go home smelling completely different.
-----------------------
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 10:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.
840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson, MN 55350
------------------
FOOTNOTES
1) This much is true. Major Borrell and his family were most recently stationed in Germany. The only other part of this article that even remotely resembles veracity is the bit about donations to cover the cost of the kite materials.
2) It's also a not-so-well-kept secret that some folks try to get in early and sneak into the Garlic Building to get a jump on their bulb buying binge. Festival Security informs us, "The Opening Ceremony will be relocated so that it blocks the entrance to the Garlic Building, and the Featured Growers have been instructed that they must attend said ceremony and eschew garlic sales until said ceremony is complete. So, gatecrashers be warned: nanny, nanny, boo-boo!"
********************************************************
THE STINKY NEWS
the etesianesque disseration edition on
THE FOOD
at
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Editor's Note:
In this year's Food Issue we not only deal with the issue of all the fantastic food at the festival, but also the issues that arose last year around the issue of food, namely the long lines and the fact that there wasn't a lot of food.
On the latter issue, we had planned to interview the Festival Director, but we got as far as him exclaiming, "Dude, what was up with all the freakin' people!" and launching into a litany of unintelligible excuses. We'll spare you his sputtering spiel and simply tell you how they're going to fix it.
More food. They're going to have lots more food.
And it's going to be really good. A preview follows.
- Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III, Editor-in-Chief
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FESTIVAL FOOD PREVIEW
A compendium of ingestible comestibles
by Aiyla Eadit, Stinky News Food Critic and Staff Funambulist
Our regular reader won't recall that last year we compiled a comparison between State Fair food, Garlic Festival food, and Twine Ball Daze grub. We're not doing that this go-around because we're not at all sure Darwin's Moldy Ball Day is happening this year [Footnote 1], though there is evidence that it's moving to Highland, Wisconsin.
And we've got plenty to talk about with just Garlic Fest's fabulous fare.
Speaking of garlic, Elbows Allowed will present their prodigious pasties with roasted garlic topping, while Mobile Feast's garlicky gyros feature a tzatziki sauce that's good enough to drink on its own.
Speaking of drinking garlic, Crow River Winery is back with their garlic bloody marys, and – new this year – you can buy bottles of their gourmet garlic cooking wine to take home.
Speaking of beverages, Dan & Becky's Market is expanding their repertoire! You know them for their tasty teetotal beverages and capacious coffee drinks, and now they are adding a choice of chicken – jerk or black garlic – from birds that were sustainably raised just down the road.
Speaking of down the road, Minnesota Nice Cream will trundle their cute little ice cream truck out to the festival once again, filled with candied garlic toppings.
Speaking of creamy, Pretty Great Cheesecake (yes, they have a garlic cheesecake) is doubling down on their pretty greatness with Pretty Great Cake Shakes: milkshakes and soft serve.
Not having spoken of kettle corn, Aunt Wendy's is back with a garlic-flavored version, and Frill Atelier is pulling out all the stops with organic candy floss[2].
Speaking of artistic ateliers, Junebug Carolina Eats is making a marvelous menu that sounds like poetry:
po mi sammie
chili aioli
pimento dip
While Sunny Days Comfort Food is all in on alliums, including a garlic apple grilled cheese.
Speaking of grilled cheese, F-5 BBQ smokes theirs, as well as their burgers and who knows what else they're smoking.
Speaking of turbid tasties, dangerMOON makes mouth-watering Mondu Korean street food using their own Mangalitsa pigs.
Speaking of a walk in the woods, there's Gentleman Forager, with a menu so varied and unusual that we recommend you read it in advance, take notes and bring a field guide.
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And that's just the prepared food you can eat on site. Then there's the stuff you can take home with you - almost all of it from local makers.
We've asked our staff beat poet, Allen Garlicsberg, to compose a stream-of-consciousness ode about it (hear Allen muddle his way through the poem HERE):
Maple syrups past pickles and pesto
in a sour sour sauerkraut saxophone
song of hazelnuts as oil as flour as nuts
joined by jams, gellies, glazes, curds and
doesn't-sound-like it's-spelled meringues.
Rubs, baby, rubs.
Saucy sauces wail BBQ, salsa, habanero hot and garlic, groovy garlic.
Mixing it up chili mix
salsa mix
beer bread mix
spice mix
and seasoning.
Seasoning bread dips like a
tapenade
tapenade
tapenading with a
muffaletta, scat-sing it out loud:
muff - a - let - a.
Crazy kombucha and kimchi
jamming with jaunty meat jerky.
Rubs, baby. rubs with balsamic vinegars, bread dipping.
Say cheese, farmstead cheese.
Sunflower oil, honey, sunflower oil
Raucous rhythm of
pop
pop pop
popopopop
corn.
Dark dissonant melody of woodfire coffee beans.
Black garlic,
the dark of garlic blackened like darkest chocolate.
A coda of condiments
fully realized relishes
Mar ma lade.
Rubs, baby, rubs.
The sinuous symphonic stink of savory garlic.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2023
mngarlicfest.com
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FOOTNOTES:
1) Litchfield Visitor's Bureau has a rather minimalist posting, though the artwork is kind of nifty. Explore Minnesota has a description, which ends with "The dates for this event have passed. No future dates are available at this time."
2) Brittish for cotton candy. Like gobsmacked = surprised; knackered = tired; chuffed = excited; and Robert is your mother's brother = you've got it made.
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THE STINKY NEWS
Reporting on the Most Festal of all the Estival Festivals
The MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
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HEADLINES:
Festival Announces the Featured Garlic Growers
Volunteers Needed
Parking Problems Solved
Stinky News is Going Away
Other Festivals with Bulbs & Balls, Part 2
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FESTIVAL ANNOUNCES FEATURED GARLIC GROWERS
Each year the festival selects 15 garlic growers who will bring the very best of their 2023 crop to sell in the MN Grown Garlic Building. Except for this year. Now there will be 16 featured growers.
See the list HERE.
So, on August 12th, there will be the same 15 garlic growers in the MN Grown Garlic Building who were there last year, but the new 16th grower will not. They'll be outside the building.
The new featured grower is SwanBee Honey. They've been a honey vendor at the festival since the mid-60's, and now they've ramped up their garlic production to the point where they can sell that as well.
But why aren't they in the building with the others?
When asked, SwanBee owner, John Swanson, says, "Well, you know, we've always had our tent right across from the entrance to the garlic building," as he looks at the ground and shuffles his feet, "So that's where folks expect to find us."
But when we asked the other growers, we got a different story. "It's all that sweet honey he makes," says Plum Creek Garlic's Chris Kudrna, "He doesn't stink as much as the rest of us. We have standards to uphold."
So, when you want to buy garlic from all the vendors, be aware that one of them is outside the building, ostracized for smelling too sweet.
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VOLUNTEERS NEEDED
The festival's Volunteer Coordinator, Olivia Olson, has asked us to report that they are still looking for volunteers, especially for the morning shifts working with the Garlic Buds Kids Tent. Learn more and sign up HERE.
We here at the Stinky News Institute for Volunteer Education and Learning (SNIVEL) have a recommendation for Ms. Olson, which we could send to her directly, but it's more fun to print it here where we'll have to apologize for it later.
The problem is that the tickets are too cheap. Jack up the admission price to, say, $87.43, and that free admission perk for volunteers will look pretty attractive. Then you could take away all the other perks – t-shirt, free food, VIP parking – and people would still jump at it just to get in the door for free.
Full disclosure: Stinky News staffers get in free with a press pass, but they don't give us t-shirts because they don't want people thinking we work for the festival, and they know better than to give us all-you-can-eat free food.
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PARKING PROBLEMS SOLVED
The Stinky News interviewed Festival Director, Jerry Ford, about last year's parking problems.
Spoiler Alert: They ARE fixing it with parking attendants and more spaces. It just took so long in the interview to get that out of the director that we thought we'd go ahead and say it up front.
Stinky News: "You can't deny that the parking situation at the 2022 festival was not your finest moment."
Director Ford: "I can't?"
S.N.: "It was an unmitigated disaster, a car lot catastrophe, a veritable clusterpark."
Ford: "Oh, yeah, that. Dude, we were, like, hoping people would think it was an amusement ride, you know, like all those roundabouts the 612-ers have to go through to get here."
S.N.: "Well, they didn't think of it that way. Now, how are you going to fix it?"
Ford: "Dig it! I'm about to announce that on the social media thingy. I'm an unfluencer, you know."
S.N.: "I'm sure you are. What social media outlets are you using?"
Ford: "There's more than one?"
S.N.: "OK, let's pretend you're actually using even one. Which one?"
Ford: "YouSpace."
S.N.: "MySpace?"
Ford: "Nah, bro, I got my own space on YouSpace, I don't need your space on YouSpace."
S.N.: "Let's put that aside before it gets any stupider. Just tell me what you are going to announce on (ahem) YouSpace."
Ford: "Right on. Scouts, man. There's this scout troop, #399 up in the Howard Lake area, that, like, parking is their thing. Dude, these kids get merit badges in Valet Services and Ground Traffic Control. So, even though they won't valet park your wheels for you – well, OK, there's this one rad 15 year old who might if you let 'em and no one is looking – but they will direct you to your spot like a pro."
S.N.: "That sounds like a good solution."
Ford: "Whoa, and we also invented another parking lot at the fairgrounds that we're calling – dig this – The New Lot."
(We were going to put one of those "Read the entire interview" links here, but why would you want to?)
So, they fixed the parking problem.
Tip: if you really want to avoid the patron parking lot . . . Volunteer! (see above)
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STINKY NEWS IS GOING AWAY
A wise person once said that all good things come to an end. And sometimes, a few of the bad ones.
In this case, it's the archive of Stinky Newses going back to the mid-60's. Don't worry, new Stinky Newses will still be published semi-occasionally. It's just that the old ones from before 2023 are going to go gently into that good night of digital oblivion.
Why? The parent organization of this whole shebang went and got themselves a new website, and they're so smitten with it that they're just going to let the old website fade away. Well, that's the old Stinky Newses's home.
The worst part of this whole deal is that our staff writers are used to being able to link to old editions when they are too lazy to write new stuff, and there won't be old editions to link to.
Therefore, if you want to binge-read those ancient issues, here's where you can go for a while longer and look in the sidebar: https://archive.sfa-mn.org/garlicfest/
See? it even says "archive" in the web address.
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OTHER FESTIVALS WITH BALLS, PART 2
We've reported in these pages about festivals that feature bulbs or balls – including Testicle Festivals [Footnote 1], Gonad Galas, The Big Mouldy Ball of Darwin Bash, and even a Balls Ball – and we've rounded up another one.
Running of the Meatballs, Scandia MN
It's like the Running of the Bulls, but the bull has been slaughtered and ground up. It's a "FUNdraiser" for Scandia's Gammelgården Museum, which celebrates the lesser known operas in Richard Wagner's Swedish-language "The Ring of the Gammelgården" trilogy: Das Lutefisk, Siegfried's Bar, and Götterdämmit.
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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2023
840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson, MN 55350
www.mngarlicfest.com
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FOOTNOTES
1) Yes, there's more than one. Two, actually.